Few people enjoy soul friendships.

Men

      Women generally have more close friends than men and are more willing to recognise the need for nurturing relationships. It could be argued that this distinction is more marked in Australia than in other Western countries. Australian men have difficulty acknowledging and expressing their feelings. As Steve Biddulph argued, men don't have friends, at least not those from Anglo-Saxon backgrounds. They abide by an agreement not to discuss certain subjects. They certainly don't talk about their feelings and avoid situations that would render them vulnerable. Humour and put-downs are as close as they get to intimacy.¹

Feelings

      Biddulph argues that this reticence to share feelings arises from an exaggerated need to prove our manhood, from the desire to allay any suspicion of homosexuality and from the pressure of competition. He contends that the competitive urge is not present in every civilisation, and is therefore not universal. In Manhood: A book about setting men free, he drew attention to the Xervante of Brazil. Among the Xervante, peer groups are mutually supportive and assist those in the group beneath them. Running races are held each year. Each age group has its turn. These races are not contests. If a runner stumbles, the others pick him up and run with him. The group finishes together.²

      It is generally agreed that men have difficulty expressing grief. Little boys are taught that they should not cry. If they break down their peers poke fun at them. The boys learn to withhold their tears. However, when we shut down a single emotion, in this case grief, we shut down a whole spectrum of feelings. Shutting [237] down our feelings may eventually kill us.³

      The reason men, particularly Australian men, have difficulty forming deep, nurturing friendships is due to two main factors--the difficulty they have expressing their feelings and the fact that they learn, early in life, that their peers will question their manhood if they acknowledge how they feel. They dare not admit to inadequacies. This constipation of their feelings arrests their emotional development and diminishes their capacity for entering into close, supportive relationships.

A competitive environment

      This situation is exacerbated by the competitive nature of the workplace in which men find themselves. Most work situations, for both men and women, place greater emphasis on functionality than on relating. Getting the job done is more important than developing good relationships with those with whom you work. There is little incentive or opportunity for men to confess to their vulnerability in this workspace.

      Over recent years this situation has become more acute. Jobs are scarce and advancement is dependent on perceived competencies. One of the capacities that superiors, or prospective employers will look for, will be the ability to function unhindered by stresses in our personal lives. Little wonder that men repress their feelings.

Men and women

      Another reason for the difficulty men have in developing close male friendships is that the suggested model is based on the way women relate.

      Men and women relate differently, not only because of contrasting patterns of socialisation, but also because of the different way their brains are wired.⁴

      While everyone is unique, in the sense of genetic, hormonal, and environmental givens, and while feminine and masculine elements are differently balanced in each of us, it can be argued that there are discernible differences in the way in which men and [238] women negotiate friendships.

      The sorts of friendships that will develop between men, between women, and between men and women, will also depend upon the personalities of the individuals concerned. Nevertheless, allowing for individual differences, there is a greater likelihood that friendships between men will involve less verbal interchange than friendships between women. This is partly a function of brain physiology.⁵

      Because they are not comfortable expressing their feelings, men have developed a non-verbal capacity for closeness. If we see two men sitting together in silence, we may conclude that they are unable to communicate. This may be the case. However, unless we can enter into the experience of the two men, it would be wrong for us to conclude that they have difficulty expressing their feelings. Their feelings may be energising the silence in which they are wrapped.

Health

      In spite of the fact that many men deny their feelings and the need for nurturing friendships, our personal health, the personal health of both men and women, depends upon such friendships.

Aloneness

      There is an unavoidable aloneness about the human condition. However close others are to us, we are alone, in the sense that we are the ones who have to live our lives. Others cannot change places with us. It is we who are inside this skin-bag and we are the only ones who know what it is like to be us, with our energies, with our range of emotional responses and with our accumulation of unique and sometimes debilitating experiences.

      We can be distracted from the awareness of our aloneness, but we cannot be delivered from it. Close friendships, however, can help us deal constructively with this aloneness and with the pain associated with it.

      Even the most developed of individuals, at times, crave the nurture of close friends. Jesus requested Peter, James and John to [239] accompany him to the Mount of Olives and to support him as he prayed. He knew that the authorities had him in their sights and he needed to wrestle with the painful implications of this insight.

      While mature individuals are capable of deep intimacy, the further their development progresses the fewer people there are who can relate to their state of being, their perspectives and their lifestyle. This spiritual isolation exaggerates the sense of their aloneness. On the other hand, their sense of connectedness, not only to others, but to the entire ecosystem, gifts them with a powerful sense of oneness with all life and with the divinity that is at the heart of the cosmos. They, therefore, experience a unique tension between aloneness and connectedness.

Friendship

      I have argued that all of us need nurturing friendships.

      What shape do these friendships take?

      It could be suggested that there are three levels of relationship.

      We have acquaintances--people we know well enough to recognise. When we approach acquaintances we assume that they will recognise who we are and be able to situate us socially. We also have companions, who accompany us, or allow us to accompany them, because we contribute something to each other's lives. Our friends occupy a third, deeper level of intimacy.

      Generally speaking, friends are not afraid of acknowledging their vulnerabilities to each other. This self-revelation is mutual. This does not mean, however, that we relate to each of our friends in the same way. Our friends circle around us in unique orbits, like planets around a sun. Family members may, or may not, be represented among our close friends.

      Friends can be defined as those who enjoy being with us. Friends know us with some degree of intimacy. In spite of being aware of our warts, they accept us. Friends share heart hospitality, in the context of mutual self-disclosure. At the same time, they respect confidences and do not betray us. They are there for us when we need them, as we are for them. They care about what [240] happens to us, as we care about what happens to them. They go out of their way to genuinely inquire about our welfare. This is not to say that there are not times when they are busy or pre- occupied. They empathise with us in a human, rather than a professional capacity, in spite of the fact that some may be professional counsellors or therapists. Their interest is driven by empathy rather than obligation. We want our friends to be supportive, but not undiscriminating or uncritical. The wounds of a friend, though painful, can result in self-knowledge and healing.⁶

      Sometimes our friends will be like us. We will be mutually attracted by our similarities. Other friends will be quite different to us. We will be attracted to each other because of our differences, because of the fact that we complement each other.

      The danger inherent in the first type of friendship is that it could arrest our development. We are so alike that we will not challenge each other. The danger associated with the second type of friendship is that we will allow the other person to compensate for our weaknesses. This could lead to our foregoing the opportunity to develop these weaknesses into strengths. We will rely on the friend to carry our undeveloped potentialities. This temptation is enormously seductive.

Where do we look?

      Where and how do we find such friends?

      The simple answer to this question is that to find a friend we need to be a friend. This is easier said than done. Those who have the capacity to befriend others already have friends. Those who don't have soul mates have difficulty befriending others.

      To suggest to those who have difficulty cultivating friendships, that they will make friends by being friendly, is equivalent to suggesting to a blind man that he can learn to see by seeing. While there is an element of wisdom in the advice, it is of little help to those whose capacity for friendship is undeveloped. It can be cruel.

      Some respond to the suggestion that we should set out to make friends with such questions as: "But who would want me as [241] a friend? What do I have to offer?"

Begin with yourself

      If we want to develop nurturing friendships, we must begin with ourselves. If you are not a friend to yourself, you cannot be a friend to others. The degree to which you are a friend to yourself is the measure of your capacity for accepting, understanding and loving others. If you are not a friend to yourself, and you seek to make others your friends, you may find yourself unconsciously conscripting them into meeting your needs, which will abort potential friendships.

      It will be important for you to seek to develop yourself, perhaps with the help of a professional counsellor, therapist or spiritual director. You may also find it helpful to find a community of people who are able to share, between them, the burden of your need.

      Above all, it will be important for you to place yourself in circumstances where, either on your own, or in the company of others, you can learn to intuitively discern the presence of the Spirit, the source of all love. This may mean that you will spend time on your own exploring a wilderness area, or a stretch of beach. Alternatively, you may join others who are concerned to explore or celebrate this Presence.

Development

      Once you start out on this path, you will notice incremental developments in your ability to relate to yourself and others. These developments do not necessarily mean that the way ahead will be plain sailing. You will occasionally discover difficult terrain. As Paul Monette argued, when one begins a relationship intimacy seems easily achievable. However, the further it progresses the more we are aware of barriers within ourselves that discourage us from going deeper. This experience helps us appreciate that two people, striving for a deeper intimacy, can discover things that one person, by themselves, cannot access.⁷

      As your relationship with yourself and your capacity for [242] friendship develops, you may notice that there will be a difference in the sorts of people you find yourself befriending. You will out-grow some friends, particularly if they are not growing along with you. This does not necessarily mean that you will desert them. However, it will mean that there are some things you will not be able to share with them.

      Once your ability to make friends and to relate to people at depth grows, you will find your friendships spread across a range of contexts. These friendships may include family members, your partner, work friends, those with whom you share common interests and people involved in community organisations.

      As you continue to grow, those with whom you are capable of relating, including your circle of friends, will broaden. As you relate to yourself more effectively you will find that you will relate to others with increasing understanding and compassion. You will also find that you are less inclined to use friendships to meet urgent psychological needs. You will be more available to others. You will, on occasions, be so present to them that they will be pleasantly overwhelmed.

      Some of the friendships you develop will be exquisite. But you may only enjoy one or two such friendships during a lifetime.

      There is a wonderful Zen story that highlights the unique nature of close relationships. It is the story of Bo Ya, an excellent zither player. Zhong Ziqi loved to listen to Bo Ya play. When Bo Ya played Zhong Ziqi could picture the scene that was being musically sculptured. On one occasion, in the course of Bo Ya's playing, Zhong Ziqi exclaimed, "It's as majestic as Mount Tal!" When Bo Ya played a gentle, flowing tune, Zhong Ziqi commented, "It's long and leisurely like the Yangtze and Yellow rivers." One day Zhong Ziqi fell ill and died. Bo Ya never played the zither again. He cut through its strings. It was because of Bo Ya's reaction that the expression "broken strings" came to be used to describe the death of one's closest friend."⁸[244]

[LS 237-244]