In the West, we are constantly being told that, unless we assert ourselves, we will be left behind.

This attitude is most pronounced in America. Factors contributing to the emphasis have been the rugged individualism fostered by early Westward expansion, and the determination of successive generations of immigrants to survive and flourish.

It has been argued that young children, born in America, grow up feeling that life is something that needs fixing. The lure of prosperity, and the myth that toil generates success, also play a part. Enormous effort is expended seeking to right wrongs, and to create paradise.¹⁹

Because this emphasis on striving is so pervasive, in a world influenced by American culture, the fact that some cultures look with disdain on the aggressiveness it fosters is often overlooked.

These cultures, particularly Eastern cultures influenced by Confucianism, Taoism and Buddhism, emphasise the value of yielding, and flowing with life, with both its joys and sorrows. [71]

Daoism suggests that we need to engage the indescribable Dao, the creative, sustaining and illuminating energies that source our deepest inspirations and moral virtues. Buddhism argues that we need to understand why we act as we do by exploring how the mind works, by uncovering its motivations and deceptions.

Both Daoism and Buddhism argue that we should penetrate beneath the world of our senses, and allow ourselves to be grasped by the deeper realities underlying them. This exercise will transform an aggressive approach to life into one that is gentle. It is argued that life itself, if accepted as a companion, will prove our best tutor. It will teach us to flow with its currents, like a bird on the wing, rather than arrogantly opposing them.

Zen, drawing inspiration from Buddhism and Daoism, contends that it is by recognising the limits of logic, and moving beyond it to an embrace of paradox, that we will develop the capacity to merge with the grace at work in our lives. The mundane will reflect life's deepest intent. Eugene Herrigal's description of his Zen Master patiently tutoring him in the art of archery, in which he learns to merge with the bow, to become one with it, is a superb illustrations of this spirit.²⁰

Self-Assertion

Self-assertion can be either healthy or unhealthy.

It is important that little children, in the process of developing a sense of self, assert themselves. It is critical that teens, and young adults, become adept at asserting themselves, to ensure that they are not dominated by others. There are some tasks that can only be accomplished by our [72] grasping them in a disciplined way, and following through with sufficient effort to bring them to completion.

However, there are forms of self-assertion that are reactive, that not only separate us from those against whom we are reacting, but bind us to them, as a consequence of our reactivity. This contrasts with healthy self-assertion, which children exhibit when they are separating from the protectiveness, and dominance, of parents, and which becomes a flexible defence mechanism in the hands of mature adults.

Assertiveness is sometimes an indication of weakness, rather than strength, particularly when it represents a loss of control by those who feel disempowered, or out-maneuvered. I recall one student, who alienated others by his brittle assertiveness, mentioning that he had enrolled in a course in "assertiveness training". His aggressiveness was a result of his feeling powerless.

Some cultivate an alienating aggressiveness that is little more than a pre-emptive maneuver designed to ensure they will not be dominated by others.

Unlike people who are objectionably assertive, those who possess inner strength can resist unwarranted pressure without becoming objectionable.

Flowing

While there are circumstances in which it is appropriate for us to assert ourselves, there are many occasions in which flowing, or blending, is called for.

This is obvious in the area of relationships. [73]

Many people do not recognize the importance of blending, because they confuse it with capitulation. Surrendering to overwhelming pressure, reluctantly and resentfully, is a form of capitulation, the result of powerlessness. Blending, or flowing, is not abject surrender, and may involve a degree of assertiveness. However, we cannot flow unless we possess an inner strength, for flowing requires a degree of self-confidence and a voluntary surrendering of advantage.

Flowing is also an appropriate response in facing the stresses of life. While there are times when it will be important for us to resist unwelcome impositions, there will be occasions when the wisest course will be to bend like a sapling in a gale.

Flowing with maturational energies is essential to our development. Though abilities can be enhanced through exercise, growth cannot be forced. Yielding to inbuilt potential does not imply inactivity, wastage of opportunity, or indolence. However, it does require discernment and co-operation.

A spirit of gentleness, an ability to discern the nature of another's distress, and to match their mood, is essential to the healthy expression of empathy and compassion. We flow with the soul of the other, giving attention to readiness, pace, and their need for space, for privacy. It is through engaging their pain that we are able to accompany them in their distress.

Recognising our affinity with nature, rather than pitting ourselves against it, is the most helpful way of exercising ecological responsibility. It is by discerning our role in the ecosystem that we can contribute to its health. [74]

Cultural survival is also dependent, not only on our ability to assert ourselves, but also on our capacity to flow. The experience of China illustrates this. While subject to successive invasions, China eventually absorbed its conquerors.

It is important to flow when playing sport. If we flow with our bodies, and with the game, when playing football, cricket, tennis, golf, basketball, baseball, etc, we will not only play more effectively, we will also be less likely to hurt ourselves. Some athletes describe high performance episodes, where they go with the flow, as "playing in the zone".²¹ Timothy Gallway argues that there are two parts of us involved in sporting activities--Self 1, a conscious, judging mind, and Self 2, the unconscious automatic doer. Playing at our peak, he contends, requires us to subordinate the assertive, highly verbal Self-1 to the spontaneous intuitions of Self-2.²²

Many of the martial arts, particularly those originating in the East, are based on flowing, and using the other person's effort to overturn their intention.

Alan Watts suggests that we should adopt clothing styles that follow the natural lines of our bodies. In making this point, he contrasts European clothing unfavourably with Asian apparel. Speaking of Sabro Hasegawa, a Japanese artist and printmaker, he commented that the artist preferred the kimono, with its natural, flowing lines, to Western clothing.²³

It is in our dying that flowing, or surrender, becomes supremely appropriate. Those who have lived hard, whose lives have been characterized by vigorous assertiveness, often find it difficult to die. To die well is to voluntarily surrender to this final transition. To the self-assertive, such [75] surrender is interpreted as weakness. Where there is no relinquishment, however, the dying process is unnecessarily prolonged and stressful.

Caution

Flowing with life, with energies underlying human existence, does not necessarily guarantee that our actions will benefit ourselves, or others, or that we will be centred, integrated or wise. As Csikszentmihalyi has pointed out, skilled bank robbers and compulsive gamblers experience flow. He also argues that those who are highly productive in one sphere as a consequence of flowing with subterranean intuitions, like Pablo Picasso and Bobby Fisher, may act chaotically or destructively in others.²⁴ Bede Griffiths drew a helpful distinction between the development of psychic abilities, which includes discerning and flowing with subtle energies, and spiritual maturity. He argued that some exhibiting psychic powers lack spiritual depth.

Pseudo-Surrender

I have argued that flowing is important in the management of our lives. I have also suggested that there is a type of surrender, which looks like flowing, but which is a form of capitulation, an expression of weakness. This capitulation can take many forms.

Some people disappear into the background because they do not want to be conspicuous. They would rather people did not notice them, either because they do not feel they are worth noticing, or because they do not want to be challenged.

Others simply lack initiative. Either they do not want to take action because this may result in criticism, opposition, or [76] failure, or they may be lazy. Others lack motivation. One of the reasons for this lack of motivation is that some have no centre, no strong sense of self. There is no one present in the wheelhouse, or engine-room.

Some yield because they are in circumstances where they can do no other. They kow tow, but deeply resent those to whom they show deference. They are filled with repressed anger, which they disguise with ingratiating comments.

Some surrender because they are seduced by others, plausible individuals who are more powerful than their victims.

Knowing When

I have suggested that the ability to flow is a skill that is developed by those who have reached a degree of maturity, by those who are quietly confident of their strength. We need to recognise when it is appropriate for us to flow, and when we should resist.

Age Difference

The balance between assertion and flow is partly a function of age.

Young children need to be given permission to assert themselves. This does not mean that they should be allowed to develop into little Hitlers! They need boundaries, as well as freedom.

The need to assert ourselves peaks again in adolescence, when we are separating from parents, when our hormones are kicking in, and when we align ourselves with our peers and begin situating ourselves in the adult world. [77]

As young adults, committed to a partner and responsible for children, we need to assert ourselves in order to grasp opportunities to ensure that we provide adequately for our families.

It is when we are seniors that flowing with life takes on a special importance. At this stage, we have little option apart from yielding to circumstances that carry us forward. Our energy is depleted, and our bodies are less co-operative. We are forced to acknowledge the brevity of life, and the limited scope of human achievement. We have also learned that some things in life, that cannot be changed, need to be embraced. There are some circumstances in which all we can do is hang on, with our arms around the horse's neck and our legs around its belly.

If we have given time to our personal, spiritual development, we will have reached the stage where it is not difficult for us to wait for events to unfold. We will have come to trust life.

The Presence

Those best able to flow are people who, through the practice of meditation, have been able to explore the limits of their minds, and to reach beyond the frayed edges of their outermost thoughts. They are, as Stephen Levine argued, folk who recognize that the mind is always dreaming itself, and that, when we come to the edge of the dream, we need to trust ourselves to life, and its unfolding. We need to learn to play, to flow with change, as it carries us into an ever-expanding universe.²⁵

This Buddhist perspective is further developed by Alan Watts, who comments that our deeds, feelings, thoughts, and [78] sensations happen of themselves, like falling rain. We are neither helpless, passive witnesses, nor doers, or thinkers, controlling what is happening. What I experience as myself, as "I", is merely one thought among many thoughts, and furnishes me with the illusion that I am separate from everything I assume to be external to me. However, there is no separate inside and outside, but a flowing that is all-encompassing.²⁶

Those best able to flow with the grace that moves, silently but irresistible, through the inner recesses of our souls, through our lives, through history, and through the silent reaches of the universe, are those whose lives have become" conduits for Spirit,"²⁷ those who have found the "effortless path" to the Beloved,²⁸ those who could be described as the pure in heart.²⁹

Those who reach this stage, in a world characterized by achievement, inspiration, distress and suffering, have no difficulty understanding what Julian of Norwich meant when she concluded "all things will be well, that all manner of things will be well".³⁰ [79]

[ROI 71-79]