Many imagine that it is possible to attain an ideal state where we are free from disturbing emotions. It is often implied that it is possible to do away with fear, jealousy and anger. Some promise freedom from insecurity and depression. Debilitating emotional responses have generated this yearning for a paradisiacal state in which we are untroubled by emotional distress.

Triggers

We are often unconscious of the factors triggering emotional responses.

There are two reasons for this.

The first is that, unless we are intimately in touch with our bodies, we are often unaware of the activation of physiological processes. Our awareness of the fact that we are responding to emotional stresses is delayed. If the emotion is repressed, locked inside our bodies, we may not be aware of it at all.

The second reason is that traumatic childhood experiences, which we were unable to resolve, are trapped in our bodies. When faced with similar experiences, these visceral memories trigger reactions that replicate initial responses. Childhood trauma, including sexual abuse, continues to [99] influence adult behaviour, without our being aware of the extent of what is happening.

It is little wonder that we long to be free from distressing emotions.

An Illusion

The notion that we can free ourselves completely from emotional tension is an illusion.

Evolution

The emotional reactions to which we are subject are mediated, if not generated, by physiological factors. It is the limbic system, the paleomamalian brain, which processes fear, rage and pleasure. If we were not subject to these responses we would not be fully human.

The physical environment also influences emotional reactions. Northern Europeans, subject to a colder climate, tend to be more restrained in their expression of emotion than their southern counterparts, who enjoy milder, sunnier climates.

Perceptual factors also play a part. How we perceive a situation helps sculpture our reaction to it.

Survival

Our emotional responses, and the physiological factors that produce them, have contributed to the survival of the species.

Fear is an obvious example--fear that evokes the fight or flight response. While deep, visceral, unrelieved fear, can [100] immobilize us, the complete absence of fear would place us in jeopardy.

Energy

Furthermore, if we were devoid of emotion, we would lack life-energy.

Anger, a natural and healthy human emotion, is the strongest manifestation of this life-energy. Few, however, manage their anger effectively. Some find themselves out of control, while others exercise so much control over the anger they repress that it robs them of energy and their lives of interest. There are those, however, easily recognized by others, who have befriended their anger, and use it as a flexible weapon to protect themselves and others.

The suggestion that we should mute our emotional responses, or that they should be extinguished altogether, is ludicrous. It would result in repression, and the burdening of our bodies with unresolved tensions. It would dam up our life energy, leaving us energyless and toxic.

A Natural Flow

It is important for us to learn to flow with our emotions. What is being advocated is not unrestrained expression, but appropriate expression of emotional energy. We should honour these responses, and learn to express our emotions in ways that are healthy, life-giving, and that do not burden others with explosive effluent. [101]

A Possible Transition

Young children express emotion without inhibition. Their faces betray their emotions. The expression of emotion is not a learned reaction, though its shaping is.

As the child grows, his parents will seek to discipline him. They will help him channel his emotions in ways that are acceptable to his parents, and the wider culture. The culture will seek to restrain, if not extinguish, certain emotions, whose expression is unacceptable. Craving affirmation, and cowed by physical superiority, the child may unconsciously repress these emotions. He will lose touch with them.

We have little or no control over behaviour generated by repressed emotions. Locked away in the unconscious, they continue accumulating energy. The more powerful these knots of energy become, the more they influence us. If sufficient pressure is applied, they may be squeezed to the surface and explode.

Some people, a minority, pressured by intense distress, are forced to confront the fact that there is more to them than they have been willing to admit.

Journey to the Centre

Discovering shadow aspects of the personality can occur in a number of ways.

We can ask ourselves why we acted out of character, why we reacted to situations with more force than circumstances warranted, why particular images surfaced in our dreams, particularly dreams that were alive with energy.

This journey into the self is so threatening that most avoid it by distracting themselves. For many, it is not until they encounter a significant crisis in the lives--a major illness, a [102] relational breakdown, retrenchment--that they begin seriously reflecting on themselves.

An Illustration

A personal illustration may help.

I have always been thoughtful and reflective. However, it was not until my first marriage was in serious trouble that I was forced to encounter those aspects of myself, shadow personalities, which controlled many of my responses. Among other things, I came to realise the degree to which my life was dominated by the vain attempt to recommend myself to my mother. I had repressed my knowledge of her disapproval, of her criticisms, as I did the anger that this criticism generated.

Getting in touch with my anger was liberating.

In the early stages, I was afraid that, if I became angry, I would not be able to control myself. Because of the way my mother had conditioned me, I also anticipated that anger would alienate me from others, particularly those to whom I looked for affirmation.

However, once I became aware of the reservoir of repressed anger that had accumulated, and tapped into it, allowing it occasional expression, I began to find a new liberty, and the energy that had previously eluded me.

In time, I befriended my anger, recognizing that it was one of the most effective weapons I had at my disposal to protect myself against the assaults of others, and to energize me. I learned to flow with my anger, to allow it physical expression, but in ways that did not damage others. [103]

A Possibility?

Some suggest that we can reach a stage where strong emotional responses do not arise.

While we can avoid over-reacting, by standing back and giving ourselves time to respond, wisely and compassionately, and while it is possible to moderate our responses to others because of our insight into their personalities, I doubt if it is possible for us to reach a stage where emotion, emotion of any sort, ceases to arise.

Krishnamurti suggested that the way to deal with an emotion is to enter into it, flowing with it until it exhausts itself. This enables us to honour the feeling and transcend it.

It is when we honour each of our emotional responses, when we ride the emotion, as one would a horse, until the horse is exhausted, that we will develop a compassionate, non-judgmental and forgiving attitude towards ourselves. It is when we are accepting of our emotional responses that we can accept those of others.

Coming to terms with our emotions, identifying and befriending them, is the task of a lifetime. [104]

[ROI 99-104]