Teenagers, searching for acceptance and identity among their peers, are captive to the group mind. Women, newly appointed as company executives, and finding their way in an unfamiliar male world, walk cautiously at first, unprepared to challenge male dominance. Christians ensconced in conservative churches are reluctant to voice their doubts.

Conformity?

Why do we need to impress others with our conformity? Why do we need to have them believe we share their aspirations or beliefs?

The reasons for our conformity are many.

We do not want to be ostracized. We crave acceptance and need to belong. The pressure to conform is even stronger if our livelihood is dependent upon acceptance.

As young children, we learn that survival depends on impressing our watchers, whether they are parents, peers, colleagues, or superiors. Some cultivate a servile demeanour and are willing to sell their souls for advancement. They may be aware that it is all a vast charade, but will feign commitment. [213]

We also conform because we do not want to be bullied. We are afraid that if others are aware of our hesitations, they will cease to respect us, or exploit our weaknesses to advance their ambitions, or vent their spleen.

Another reason for our conformity is that we are the dupes of the meme that has seduced the group to which we belong. Our shared mythology controls us, reinforcing itself through recruitment, brainwashing rituals, and threats of expulsion. By distinguishing between insiders and outsiders, by demonizing outsiders, and by threatening those who do not conform with excommunication, the meme silences critics. It is further reinforced when it is confronted by alternative memes and the community strengthens its defenses. This exaggerates the pathologies implicit in the meme. The more the group is threatened, the more dogmatic it becomes.

Together?

Not only do we want to convince others that we conform, we also want to persuade them that we have it together.

In the West, at least, this is partially a consequence of an emphasis on perfection.

This myth is based on the theological assumption that we are only acceptable if we are perfect. It is reinforced by parental discipline, which affirms conformity and punishes deviance. We are acceptable if we are good, if we behave as our parents want us to behave. The secular variant of the Christian myth of perfection is the stress on excellence. To maintain the illusion of excellence, we cannot afford to let our weaknesses show through. [214]

Men and Women

The way men and women approach the issue of self-revelation--the sharing of unorthodox beliefs, weaknesses, or of their inability to approximate the ideal--is often different.

Men, who are more likely than women to be fascinated with ideas and principles, will participate in a vigorous, verbal skirmish. Because of this competitiveness, and a fascination with power, men are reluctant to talk about their feelings, or betray their vulnerabilities.

Women, on the other hand, much more readily share feelings with each other. Because of a natural empathy, they are more reluctant to critique each other, at least in public. Women are more interested in maintaining relationships than they are in debating principles. Sustaining relationships is more important than winning arguments.

There are exceptions to the rule. There are men who place relationships above abstract principles, and women who will assertively challenge others' opinions, and are stimulated by the interchange.

Advantages

Convincing others that we endorse shared beliefs and behavioural ideals, and creating the impression that we are together, has certain advantages.

First, we have the support of others who are in the same position. However, while a shared delusion may be consoling, it is likely to damage us. [215]

Second, it enables us to halt our development at the egoic level, and thus to hide from ourselves our shadow side. However, arresting developmental potential weakens us.

Third, it enables us to disguise our true selves. This is dangerous procedure, as it promotes deceit.

Fourth, by keeping deviant thoughts to ourselves, and congratulating ourselves on our ability to manage our lives, we discover that we can flourish in a world in which impressions are important. Without adequate grounding, however, we are likely to develop such an unreal view of our capacities that we set ourselves up for an injurious collision with reality.

The Disadvantages

The disadvantages of living a lie are considerable.

To pretend that we are committed, when we are not, and to convey the impression that we have it all together, when we don't, whatever influence this pretence may have on others, involves the conscious intention to deceive. The person we most damage by this deceit is us. Rather than developing the ability to see things as they are, we deliberately blunt our capacity for perception, and blind ourselves to the condition of our souls.

Our self-deceit, which grows like a cancer, pre-occupies and exhausts us. Being self-pre-occupied and lethargic, we lack spontaneity, naturalness, and authenticity.

The course of action we have adopted gives others, to whom we have marketed ourselves, enormous power over us. We are easily manipulated. [216]

Furthermore, because of our repression of the truth about ourselves, we become the victims of shadowy elements in our personalities associated with what we have repressed. Their influence, their power over us, far exceeds that exercised by other individuals.

Relationships

Our inability to admit to hesitations and weakness will diminish our capacity to relate.

We will be preoccupied with ourselves. It will be the pretend self that attempts to relate. However, masks are incapable of genuine encounter. We may make a pretence of relating, but others will realize that nobody is at home. If we manage to structure some sort of relationship, we will be constantly on our guard, afraid that if others really knew us they would avoid us. Relationships are built on truth, but we have little truth to trade. It is also likely that others will be off-put by our lack of vulnerability and authenticity.

A Better Way

To respect ourselves, and to be able to hold up our heads, looking others directly in the face, with openness, gentleness and compassion, we must first learn to be honest with ourselves. This does not mean depreciating ourselves, but soberly assessing our strengths and weaknesses,¹²⁰ our beliefs and disbeliefs.

If we are able to be open with ourselves, we will find the experience empowering. We will discover a natural self-confidence that is not based on pretence or undercut by bluster and deceit. Our honesty will enhance our [217] relationships with others, who will value our capacity to listen, respectfully, compassionately, and non-judgmentally.

How?

If we have been running away from ourselves for so long it will be difficult to change.

The real difficulty lies in the fact that to change we need a reasonable degree of self-esteem, and a sense of security.

Those who are secure, and value themselves, and are therefore able to be honest, with themselves and others, benefited from the love of parents, and the security this love engendered. They may have worked on themselves to further develop themselves, but the initial impetus was the gift of their parents, or of those who took care of them when they were young.

What about those who were denied this love, or who experienced a love that was ambiguous, that could not be trusted? I would be dishonest if I did not indicate that it is difficult for those who did not know love as children to compensate for this lack later in life. It is not impossible, but the journey is arduous.

For some people, it just seems to happen. Their circumstances are atrocious, but they rise above them. Sometimes our world comes tumbling down, and our pretence is revealed for what it is. Others, however, appear to be at the mercy of their genes, or circumstances, and fail to learn from the disasters that overtake them.

The nub of the issue is that we need some experience of love to accept a dose strong enough to transform us. The process [218] needs to be kick started. A friendship, a group experience that is nurturing, could provide the initial impetus.

The world's major religions suggest that there is a God, whose essence is love. This love seeps out of every element in the universe. It is a matter of our becoming aware of it. They further contend that, if we are embraced by this love, we will be transformed.

There are many different experiences capable of pulling back the veil. These include spending time with nature, communicating with animals, exploring relationships, surrendering to creative intuitions, engaging in meditation, or becoming part of an open, non-dogmatic, worshipping community. It is by deliberately placing ourselves in these sorts of situations that we stand a chance of discerning the Spirit Presence that suffuses the universe, and of opening ourselves to the transforming love radiating from that Presence.

Consistency

Total independence of the opinions of others, or complete honesty, should not be expected. We live in community, and need each other. We will continue to look to others to affirm us. Furthermore, we will never know all there is to know about us. Self-contradictions, of which we are oblivious, will remain. Nevertheless, we can discover a measure of freedom from conformity and pretence, and this will be a great gain. [219]

[ROI 213-219]