If he wears a standing collar,
They will say he's growing proud;
If his necktie's red of striped,
They will say he dresses loud.

If he parts his hair in middle,
They will say he is a dude;
If he don't bow to the ladies,
They will say he's rough and rude.
If he tries to be quite gallant,
They will say it cost a pile;
If his coat is short and stubby,
They will say he's out of style.

If he speaks in tones of thunder,
They will say he is too loud;
That his big voice is but suited
To the ignorant hoodlum crowd.

If he don't put in the powder,
And orate with zeal and might;
They will say his declamation
Is too feeble and too light.

If he speaks in words of plainness,
And God's doctrine doth regard,
And dispenses old-time logic,
They will say he is too hard.

If he's smooth and kind and gentle,
As you doubtless see him oft,
And is careful of offenses,
They will say he is too soft.

If he dwells on Christian duty,
As set forth in divers texts;
They will say they want a preacher
Who will fiercely "skin the sects."

If he tries to preach the gospel
In the regions far away;
They will way he's prone to wander,
And at home he ought to stay.
If he preaches for one body,
And no longer travels round;
They will say he has turned pastor,
And is growing quite unsound.

If he tries to turn a penny,
That his many debts be paid;
They will say he's mercenary,
That a preacher should not trade.

If the brethren don't support him,
And behind the world he gets;
They will say he should stop preaching
Till he pays his honest debts!

If he tries to raise some cotton,
Or assays a school to teach;
They will say he's quit the business,
And he ought to go and preach!

If he owns a horse and buggy,
And in travels takes his wife;
They will say, "Poor suff'ring woman,
He is wearing out her life!"

If he leaves his wife behind him,
When on journeys he must roam;
They will say he's tired of her,
And cares nothing for his home!

With these sad and sore afflictions,
Which a preacher's life pursue;
With these critics all about him,
What can a poor preacher do!

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