Each of us is unique. We differ from others in appearance, in the way we think, in our emotional responses and in our reactions. This applies even to identical twins. I suspect it would be no less true of clones.

      Similarities abound, as is indicated by the presence of family likenesses, by experiences of mistaken identity, and by the fact that certain personal characteristics often cluster together, allowing for the rough identification of personality types. Similarities, however, do not detract from the uniqueness of each individual.

      I have chosen to use the word "unique", rather than "different", as "different" is burdened with negative connotations. To describe someone as "different" implies that they do not conform to a norm.

      Our uniqueness is grounded in the complexity of the self. Neither our uniqueness, nor the self, of which our uniqueness is a reflection, are completely knowable. As Jung argued, the psyche is so multifaceted that it is impossible to capture its essence in a single snapshot.¹

Resistance

      It is important that each of us recognise that we are unique. Such recognition is difficult.

      One of the reasons for our reluctance to recognise our uniqueness is that we evaluate ourselves on the basis of comparisons we make with others. We generally consider others unique and ourselves ordinary.

      Because we are familiar with ourselves we are aware of our blemishes. While we assess others on the basis of external observation, we experience ourselves from the inside. Familiarity diminishes perceived specialness.

      Another of the reasons for our reluctance to admit to our specialness is that this uniqueness is generally associated with [39] roles which society structures into hierarchies. Our worth is evaluated in terms of hierarchies. Our self-evaluations will be positive or negative depending on where we are situated in the hierarchy. Comparisons begin in the context of the family, which privileges certain characteristics or roles. Exploring our uniqueness in this context can be distressing.

      Others shy away from acknowledging their uniqueness because they want to avoid giving the impression that they are putting on airs and graces. This reaction is unfortunate because, while well meant, it fosters the vice it is designed to avoid. It is the acceptance of our uniqueness, and the boost it gives to our self-esteem, that free us from the need to trumpet our achievements and virtues. Recognition of our uniqueness contributes to self-acceptance and lays a foundation for the sort of self-forgetfulness that is the essence of humility.

      Some people avoid acknowledging their uniqueness because they do not want to stand out from the crowd. They have no desire to be conspicuous. This reaction is endemic among teenagers, who are coming to terms, not only with changes to their bodies, but also with changes in relationships with family members and peers, and with changes in hormone levels that fuel the desire to explore awakening sexual interests.

      But teenagers are not the only ones inhibited by the desire to remain inconspicuous. Communities reward conformity and punish non-conformity. Being seen to be different can be perilous, particularly in a society that scapegoats non-conformity.

The ego and the self

      As a rough rule of thumb, it can be argued that characteristics resulting from attempts at overcoming insecurity are likely to be unhealthy, whereas characteristics that are an expression of the bodyself are generally healthy.

      In making this generalisation I am likely to be misunderstood.

      I am not implying that there is something nasty about the ego. The ego is part of the self. Its emergence is necessary to the [40] process of individuation. A strong ego is essential to mental health and to any engagement with the unconscious. Its stability, and its capacity for discrimination, keep us anchored in reality. A reasonably stable and healthy ego is also necessary to an effective engagement in everyday life.

      I have argued that aspects of our uniqueness that are an expression of the self are healthy. This assertion may be taken to imply that whatever arises from the deeper levels of the self is healthy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Aspects of the bodyself that have been repressed will eventually find expression. When this occurs, we will be surprised by the strength and awkwardness of our reactions. As Jung perceptively argued, we don't have complexes, or clusters of unconscious energy; they have us!²

      What all this means is that there are healthy aspects of our uniqueness that are associated with the ego, and there are unhealthy aspects of our uniqueness that arise from the deeper levels of the self.

      Where there is intentional dialogue between the ego and less conscious dimensions of the self, both aspects are liable to be healthy, contributing to our well-being and that of others. In the absence of this connectedness, our inner state and our observable behaviours are likely to be discordant.

Unhealthy expressions of individuality

      Unhealthy expressions of individuality are legion. I will mention several of the more common of those that do not require psychiatric assessment and treatment.³

      Some people, who have not been affirmed by significant others, will attempt to draw attention to themselves by being different. Rather than allowing their uniqueness to emerge, they attempt to create a persona, or mask, that forces others to notice them. This uniqueness is contrived, rather than genuine.⁴

      Others attempt to remake themselves artificially because they do not like what they are. [41]

      Some of the most difficult people to get to know are those who stonewall attempts others make to reach the person behind the mask. These are people from whom you cannot get clear answers. They make a practice of answering questions with questions. They attempt to tangle you in the skeins of their facetiousness. If they manage to fool themselves by their posturing, where they identify with the mask, they become tragic figures.

      Others deliberately cultivate a spirit of non-conformity, often in reaction to authority figures. Captivity to reactive responses can inhibit the emergence of genuine uniqueness.

Subjectivity!

      It could be argued that what I have described as unhealthy expressions of individuality are nothing of the sort. They merely represent my judgment of what constitutes "healthy". They certainly do that. Nevertheless, a certain element of subjectivity in our judgments is unavoidable. Those who make a practice of criticising subjectivity in others, and exhibit a furious desire to root it out, are being passionately subjective themselves!

      My labelling as "unhealthy" the reactions I have described is consistent with the general tenor of professional opinion.

      What I am suggesting, admittedly on the basis of my view of human nature, is that healthier patterns of individuality could be developed alongside those already established. If the new structures prove liberating because they are more consistent with the human essence, older structures will cease to be re-enforced. They will wither. Vestiges will remain, but, like the appendix, they will have little influence on the healthy functioning of the bodyself.

Not either/or

      The emergence of our uniqueness is a function of the lifelong task of individuation, of realizing our innate, maturational potential.

      In the course of this emergence we will be damaged, some more severely than others. That damage, and the distress it causes, is the spur that goads us on. It also provides us with material with [42] which we can work, to further our growth. Some, however, are so damaged that they need professional help.

      At any one time, what is perceived as our uniqueness will be an amalgam of healthy and less-healthy elements. Hopefully, as we develop, the healthier elements will predominate.

Where does our uniqueness lie?

      This question is ambiguous. I could be asking: "Where is our uniqueness sourced?" or I may be wanting an answer to the question: "How can we identify our uniqueness? Where can we expect to find it?"

      We addressed the first question in the previous chapter. Our uniqueness is sourced in the interplay of genetics, environment and the elusive distinctiveness that our parents recognised in us the moment we emerged from the womb. Hillman has argued that the third element cannot be reduced simply to the interplay of genetics and environment.

      We have now to answer the question: "How can we identify our uniqueness? Where can we expect to find it?"

      It is usual for us to be identified by our bodies, including our speech. Our appearance and repertoire of bodily responses will betray unique sexual, cultural, racial, ideological and geographical particularities.

      In our relationships with others we will exhibit distinctive characteristics that relate to egoic structure, abilities, and gifts. Conversation will lead to the discovery of our likes and dislikes, our relational commitments and our consuming passions.

      Discerning unique elements arising from the deeper self is more difficult. Few are acquainted with their soul territory and most people are concerned to shield this part of themselves from prying eyes.

      To become acquainted with the uniqueness that is sourced in our essence requires a special mix of competencies that are rarely celebrated in Western culture. As Hillman and Ficino, before him, have argued, this deeper self-knowledge can only be accessed [43] through the combined exercise of our minds, feelings, intuition and imagination.⁵

Contrasts

      If our uniqueness is exclusively egoic, we may be driven by an insatiable desire to stand out from the crowd, particularly if we are extroverted. This will exaggerate our natural competitiveness. The style of uniqueness, generated by the ego's quest for identity, requires constant maintenance. It is always under threat. It can only be sustained by assertiveness, and the success of our attempts at soliciting admiration. This exercise is self-defeating. Competitiveness, and invidious comparisons, are alienating. They also promote envy and jealousy.

      If we are centred in the self, rather than in the ego, the issue of identity will have already been solved. We will know who we are. Our identity will be located in the self, and in the Spirit that enlivens the self.

      Furthermore, experience of this self-enlivening Spirit will indicate to us that our separateness is more illusory than real. It will gradually dawn upon us that we are elements of a larger whole, a universal Self. This will not diminish our uniqueness, but will place it in a broader context.

      That form of uniqueness that arises out of the self, out of the interplay of the ego and the unconscious, is rarely assertive, because it has no need to be. It recognises an affinity with others and is able to blend, feelingly, with them. Not only do we no longer need to stand out from the crowd; we are disinclined to do so.

      It could be imagined that this capacity to relate closely to others, and the egoic effacement that companies it, would result in a diminishing sense of uniqueness. The opposite is the case. The capacity for self-forgetfulness allows our true essence to emerge without the inhibiting constraints of egoic anxiety. We are free to flow with the grace of an inner Presence. [44]

Accepting our uniqueness

      In order to acknowledge our uniqueness we need to be self-accepting. But this is where our dilemma lies. How is it possible for us to accept ourselves, in all our diversity, where this diversity consists of a mixture of healthy and unhealthy elements? How can we embrace our demons?

      If we were loved as children we will have little difficulty accepting ourselves. If the embryonic ego, as it emerges out of its embededness in its unconscious matrix, is loved and accepted without qualification, the child will develop a natural self-love. It will also be gifted with an identity that is rooted in the love and acceptance of early caregivers.

      When the child is allowed free expression in an atmosphere of acceptance and love, and where she is provided with responsible boundaries, the child's emerging ego will be celebrated. It will also be provided with an atmosphere in which it can begin to re-connect with the unconscious ground out of which it emerged.⁶

      When children are loved, and can begin to make these sorts of connections, they will discover a familiarity between the parental love they experienced and the love that is the gift of the Spirit that they will encounter in the deeper levels of the self.

      Adults, who were loved as children, have enormous advantages.

      What about those who were not loved?

      It would be wrong to disguise the fact that the journey will be difficult for those in this predicament.

      We accept ourselves by being accepted unconditionally by others. The most important of these others, the Other whose unconditional love undergirds and suffuses the whole process, is the God we experience as Spirit, within ourselves and within the world. This Presence is the universal, loving consciousness that holds the universe together. It is important that damaged individuals be brought within the ambience of this love.

      One way to do this is to suggest to those who have not been loved as children that they seek out groups of people, or larger [45] communities, that reflect the unconditional love that is sourced in the Spirit.

      Communities that embody, however imperfectly, the non-judgmental, accepting divine love, provide crucial nurturing environments. Such communities need not be formally constituted. Whether they are secular or religious, they will be far from perfect. They will, on occasions, be ridden by conflict.

      It may also be helpful to recognise that religious communities, while fallible, and sometimes fractious, preserve the memory of historically significant spiritual experiences. Founders are usually celebrated for their god-consciousness and the quality of their lives. Their almost universal testimony is that the Spirit is loving.

Celebrating our uniqueness

      We can celebrate our culture, gender, and religious commitments in the life of communities that preserve and ritualise these elements.

      We best celebrate gifts and abilities by discovering what they are, extending them, and using them. Ultimately, this means discerning and flowing with the grace of the enlivening Spirit that we discover to be coursing through the arteries of the soul.

      The distinctive qualities of the ego and the dimensions of the deeper self that together constitute our uniqueness are not separated into compartments. They are inter-related. One can play the piano mechanically, or with soul.

The uniqueness of others

      It is important, in celebrating our uniqueness, to respect and rejoice in the uniqueness of others. By exercising the right to celebrate our uniqueness, we afford others the same right.

      If our attempts at forging a unique identity are driven by our insecurity, and result from the desperate stratagems of an insecure ego, we will be threatened by others asserting their uniqueness. Rather than relating healthily with others, to our mutual advantage, we will find ourselves enmeshed with them, at [46] an unconscious level. Complexes, blind knots of energy in the unconscious that powerfully influence behaviour, will lock horns with similar complexes in others. This enmeshment will make us the slaves of our shared pathologies.

      It is when we are in touch with the range of elements that make up the self that we will respect and celebrate the specialness of others. This expression will enhance our uniqueness, rather than diminish it. [48]

[LS 39-48]