Screwtape and Wormwood

By Robert Conard

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     The other day, while at the local trash dump searching for my favorite pair of house slippers (this is the third time my wife has thrown them away claiming they were unfit for human use), I happened across a strange looking envelope. The letter was open so I glanced at it out of curiosity. It was very different from any correspondence I have ever read, but was of such particular interest that I am enclosing it so you may also read it. You might even be one of those about whom the letter is concerned.

     Because of the serious nature of your actions I have had to take the matter to the Supreme Council of Tempters. Yes, Wormwood, the Supreme Council! I suggested that because you have acquired some of the human traits, that you experience a little of the "reward" our Father has arranged below for his human possessions. But alas, the Council rejected that view. Apparently they see more evil in you than do I. They have instructed me to put you on probation and await the results of your future action. They have further instructed me to give you a brief outline of our Father's Master Plan No. 14.

     I impress upon you the importance that this plan never be revealed. You have no doubt heard rumors of some of the disciplinary punishments inflicted on tempters, but these seem like a breath of fire compared to the agony awaiting those who let the Master Plan escape. If Mugblop were here, he could fill you with horrors over the suffering he received for his inept handling of the Martin Luther case.

     But enough of these pleasant threats. I must get down to business. Your first letter informed me that you were gleefully supporting those in the Enemy camp who had challenged some of the traditions of the clergy system. I immediately wrote back asking you to cease and desist all activities of this nature. Your return letter was full of snide little insinuations which would have made me proud to claim you as my underling had they not been directed at me. (You'll answer for this). Nevertheless, the Council has ordered me to instruct you in Plan Number 14 so you may try to undo some of the harm you have done.

     The plan, which we sub-titled the En-

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tertainment-Audience Approach, deals specifically with those ignorant beings who are trying to serve the Enemy. I still fail to comprehend why anyone would want to serve anything except themselves, but our superiors recognize that there are a few misguided souls that attempt to do so. Of course the Plan does not entirely concern those of the Enemy; we have a few of our own devils placed at strategic points, but it is primarily concerned with the Enemy.

     We will start with the character we call the minister or pastor. Through some excellent maneuvering the world was quick to accept our definition of those terms. The leader of the Enemy camp tried to show a different method of ministering but I think we can claim victory in the failure of his followers.

     To illustrate this character more clearly to your infested mind, we take a young man who has been duped by the Enemy's propaganda. This in itself is a frightening sight. His opportunity to serve the Enemy and inflict harm on us is vast, too vast! So we implement Plan 14. We first convince the young man that just being a Christian (and of course we use our definition of this accursed word) is not enough. He must become "a minister." This, if successful, removes him from effective contact with those around him. You see, Wormwood, we cannot always stop the Enemy effort, but by this devious plan we can sidetrack it to nowhere. One of the easiest tasks then for a tempter, whose human has been influenced toward the Enemy by this man, is to plant one of many such choice selections such as "All right, he is better than average but it's only because he's paid for it," or "He's supposed to be that way, it's his job," or, "Of course he's different, he's the Minister."

     This plan also works on the man himself. He has probably envisioned himself as constantly going out to win souls from us. But once we channel him into "the ministry," every effort to search for souls will be hampered by the constantly encroaching "duties" of his "ministry."

     We can almost guarantee one day a week out of circulation while he tries to keep the mechanics of "his church" (always be quick to spread this idea of "his church," "his flock") functioning smoothly.

     Another day and possibly two will be gained for us as he tries to gather and provide entertainment for their weekly meeting. A little bit of eviltry that is always handy at this point is the idea that the Enemy message can only be spoken on Sunday and that souls can only be won on that day. Always stress "The Lord's Day." It doesn't hurt us that much and it certainly helps us the other six days. And by all means, Wormwood, make sure that he preaches to his flock! Never allow him to speak to them as he would to a friend during the week. Remember, the Enemy is always nearby to aid so we must be vigilant.

     Another day can be taken care of if you can get him in some sort of ministerial group or association. Many of these have our own people in them and are quite successful in stalling the efforts of these befuddled beings. They are also important in protecting the secret of Plan No. 14.

     This leaves only three days to work with. Other tempters will no doubt be aiding you with obstructions, but if some free time should befall him, by all means make sure that he spends it with others than his own family. There is always someone "in need of a visit from the minister" and with a little encouragement you can successfully keep him from his own family during this dangerous period. Oh, I am constantly thankful that few humans have the perspective of history that we do in that they fail to see the potent and indestructible powers in a whole family committed to the Enemy camp. Our Father's plan has been quite successful in this. One of the tastiest delights you will ever savor is a voluminous feast of "preacher's brats."

     The last phase in dealing with this part of the plan is in the realm of money. You are, or should be, well aware that the Enemy has a vast amount of funds to carry on His work. Our job again is to derail the effort with help from the minis-

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try. Don't misunderstand me. I don't want to have the minister being paid a lot of money. Keep him underpaid or thinking he is underpaid. This will usually pay us dividends on his relationship with the Enemy. But do make sure he is paid. Millions out of the Enemy treasury are going to pay men like him a salary to do what those around him could do without a salary. Beware, however, there are a few specialists in the Enemy camp who are doing us irreparable damage; these should be cut off from all available funds and channeled into "the ministry."

     If you are successful in all these efforts, my dear friend, it will not be long before your man will start considering himself "a clergyman," at which moment your battle is almost over and you can relax somewhat to enjoy the spoils.

     Now we come to Phase Two of the Plan. In Phase One we dealt with the minister, or entertainer. Now we get to the audience. These humans are variously designated Congregation, Flock, or the term in which I delight--the Church. Again, to illustrate, we shall take a human who has been succumbing to the Enemy's influence. This man is a successful businessman who would be quite the dangerous tool in the hands of the Enemy. With him we foster the idea that rather than be outgoing like the minister, he can't be, and then associate various ideas of what he can't do as a non-minister.

     This man, for instance, might be a fairly good public speaker. He has to speak constantly in his business. Obviously we cannot have such a professional spreading the Enemy propaganda, so we remind him that he is not "the preacher" and thus it is out of the question that he should ever do anything but listen submissively. It is quite comical, Wormwood, to see this man sit and squirm on a hard wooden bench each Sunday listening to a sermon by one who has only half the education and speaking talent that he has. True, he will be uncomfortable, but if you have done your job well he will be quite convinced that his is to listen, to watch, and not participate. Always foster the passive side.

     During his working days the Enemy may try to encourage him to influence his fellow-workers. Be ready again to promote the idea that he is not a minister, it is the minister's job to witness, and besides, if he was called to do that kind of work he would be a minister instead of a businessman. I do not need to remind you of the damage done by the average working actively committed to the Enemy.

     If he shows signs of leadership, channel this into passive leadership. Even though he may be successful in obtaining a position of leadership in the local congregation, he can still be sidetracked by inserting the idea that the minister is the actual head of the flock and he should only lead out on orders from him. You can depend on many ministers to help you in this.

     Should he go so far as to want to take over some of the responsibilities of the minister, remind him of all the money out of his own pocket which is going into the minister's salary. Why should he then do it for nothing?

     Phase Two of this plan is sometimes quite hard because "He" gave that power to all of His followers. They became too strong for us with this power so the plan was devised to convince them they weren't the ones to use it and might not even have it. Remember, my young fiend, we can take a man, turn him into a clergyman, and at the least blunt some of his effect. But should those regular people who are in daily contact with the very ones we are after, realize that they have the power and responsibility to actively serve the Enemy--well, Wormwood, the very thought of it makes me feel faint!

     I hope that by now you have realized your previous foolishness. You can see that Plan 14 is one of our best. Even if they discover how we have misled them (and you had better see that they do not), it would take them years to correct things, and you know how they hate to do something that does not produce instantaneous tangible results. But getting back to your slimy self. I must, because of the

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extent of your previous folly, order you to work non-stop to undo some of your damage. Yes, I know that this means you will not be able to celebrate the coming holiday. I further realize that it is an official holiday and everyone gets off, but missing it this one year will not be all that bad and if you carefully heed my advice in this letter and are successful, next year you will surely get the holiday vacation so that you can, with extra pride, celebrate Nero's birthday. Your affectionate uncle, Screwtape.

     Editor's Note: Robert Conard, who submits the above with profound apology to the late Clives S. Lewis, lives at Route 5, Fulton, Missouri 65251.